The Little Magpie

Ever wonder how hard it is to follow the thought process of a child like mine!? I mean, if its about following the trail of destruction and messiness that she leaves in her wake, I can reconstruct her damage-inflicting spree of bored disdain with a great deal of accuracy. Chocolate, cheese, drinks and soap, water, washing-up liquid, cushions and clothes... nothing is safe from her when she gets into that mood.
It's almost as if I can see what, when and how she feels a certain way, but the WHY escapes me... Invariably, it is the subtle, quiet workings of her mind that flummox me. How do I 'train' myself to re-wind from an unexpected situation and conclude that she had a hand in the cookie-jar, so to speak??! Simply put, my approach to mayhem is no evidence, no blame.... I always blame the stress factor in my own life on my inability to find things, and I have an appalling sense of recall. I put things in the same place for years, and if I change that place to render the article safe from my ever-evolving, curious child, I can never find it when I need things the most!

Last week, as I rushed around like a numbskull, after two 12-hour night shifts and trips to the School, shopping for groceries and trying to stay awake, I suddenly noticed (only when I needed them, to be honest) that somehow I'd managed to misplace or absently put away my house keys, bicycle keys and ALL the other keys that stayed in one loop...!  After nine hours of agonizingly going over every square inch of the house, retracing my steps hundreds of times and asking my 7 year old  (who had held them last of all), I was confused, upset and overwhelmed at my own incompetence. I blamed my absent mindedness and buried my disappointment under a frantic hunt for the lost item. Oblivious to the fact that S had simply left my home n bicycle keys on Thursday, behind her School-grown pot of coriander on the window sill, I hunted all over the damned house. I had to cancel an appointment I had volunteered to attend, and searched everywhere, muttering with barely-contained anger and a startled disbelief at the microscopic capabilities of my brain to short-circuit out of order at the slightest opportunity.

I am so well-versed with her nature and little habits to hold/ hoard stuff in her room that I meticulously searched it from wall to wall. Then,hoping she must have taken them to school, safe in her coat pocket I even rang them on the chance that they may be found by her Teacher but that was not the case. At the end of it all, after a whole day of searching till I'd exhausted myself mentally, they miraculously materialized when she was at the kitchen table having her tea with Dad n sis. It turned out that she had left them on the sill when she watched her bus pull up outside that morning.

Today, it was my wallet that went missing. I was frantic and had to cancel my Debit cards, and all that- only to come home at five and be told by R that ,"Mummy, I KNOW where your wallet is- S had it under her bed (!!??) " .I had been at work last night, and was unaware that she had sneaked it upstairs and hidden in the kids' toy box under the bed. R was searching for things to play with in the early morning when she found it. Being 7 yrs old herself, she forgot to mention S's hiding place as I readied them for School! I have a feeling my little Miss S was a MAGPIE in her previous incarnation!! 

The "NO!!" answer.

Whenever I despair about my child's behaviour or worry about her 'reason' for behaving as she sometimes does, I feel totally lost for answers.... Her Special Needs are  like a vein, thin but impermeable. They sometimes keep me from understanding a lot of what goes on in that mind and heart of hers, so I feel inadequate as a mother. Some days are good; she will give me an angelic smile, maybe even a hug if I'm lucky, and say, "I love you, Mummy". On others, for a seemingly inexplicable reason, she will shout, scream and push me away if I try to pacify her when she gets herself worked-up, which is about ten times a day.

It starts from the time I try to wake her up and ends (if we're lucky) when she finally falls asleep at night. She will sometimes wake up two or three times a night, and is restless and fidgety even in her sleep. She may be asleep or awake when I quietly make my way to her room in the morning, but I'm mostly scared of her shouting out "NOOO"... " I DON'T want to wake up!!" or simply shouting because it's me she sees rather than her Dad. On lucky-break days, the preliminaries (such as brushing her teeth, breakfast etc) dealt with, I offer to help her dress when she screams with frustration. It could be her T-shirt sleeves she's struggling with, or the state of her hitherto shoulder-length hair) She sometimes shouts and screams angrily, on the brink of a meltdown (pushing me dangerously close to one myself) at being asked to swap her shoes over when they are on the wrong feet.

She hates being told to do anything and only takes directions from her Daddy dearest, who is by then, on his way to work. Sometimes, as we go through the motions of our daily power-struggle, the School Bus arrives and R runs to open the door, which makes S become even more agitated at realising (or being told) she is keeping someone waiting. I reach out to iron her jumper or comb her hair and get a high-pitched screech that makes me cringe.  I have asked many professionals, friends, parents of other girls with SN, what could be making her upset- The dreaded, horrid question resurfaces unbidden, "Is it ME!!??" ...."Am I doing something wrong that is setting her 'off' like this!??"

All I know is it is painful and heartbreaking to live through it everyday...Especially because I am the only parent/adult/person she is so volatile towards. Sometimes she gives me an unexpected, crushing hug and I meld into her arms, mentally thanking God for His infinite love an kindness and at times, she will push me away as if I am invading her very being... I was greatly helped by a friend and her two hour experience of my interaction with my daughter, and her suggestion was spot-on. I googled- oppositional defiance disorder and was shocked by how incredible it was that none of the so-called professionals had ever seen what a mother of another child with struggles and trials, worries and anxieties somewhat similar to my own could see.

Asking he if she wants something which I suspect she does (food, clean socks, lump of cheese, juice, water, etc) brings about a 'hmmm' response, or if prompted into politeness, a "yes please, mummy" but it depends on her mood. She will challenge or shout, ignore of simply defy all my directions, instructions, 'routine charts' and timer-monitored tasks. Things will roll smoothly at School where, I am told, she is sometimes defiant but easy to manage with 'tokens' and stickers, praise and encouragement. While I offer her lots of verbal praise and make it a point to tell her Daddy dearest about her good behaviour, (conveniently forgetting the bad!), use sticker charts and prize tokens etc, her approach to me is one of nonchalance and ill-disguised indifference. The only emotion she displays is if I crack up and run away upstairs, and burst into tears, and she laughs her head off at the sight. Her little sister scolds her, saying" Shame on you, S, you've made poor mummy so sad, can't you see she's crying because she loves you??!".

I have learned to control my own feelings; they serve no purpose and are merely wasted on my child who is often unable to vocalize her own. I refrain from talking in anything but the simplest of sentences. I give only the briefest of instructions. I have to constantly remind myself that a word count of over five per sentence is a NO NO. The best times are when I keep my wits and hang on to my patience and optimism. I tap into my reserves of faith and Hope in His love for us all....I do not pray in the conventional Hindu sense, but my bond with Him is as strong, if not stronger, than  my bond with my own children.

'Monster-face' runs a race!

(For the past few weeks, we've been reading Winnie-the-Pooh books at bedtime, and Pooh bear's observations, simple truths and lovely tales about him trying to make up rhymes and little songs inspired the title!

The best thing happened this Sunday- Shivangi (with Rani n me) had a day out and SHE won an unexpected medal for participating in the fundraising race! I'd say good day, but it was good in bits and great in places and not-so-good at times, you know!?.....but in the end, she learned to value herself and believe in me- just a little bit, I guess! Feel so grateful for that... Thank you, L & D Hospital fundraising team!

Yesterday, S, R and I went along to the L & D Hospital NICU fundraiser run in our town. (I had signed up for the 2K run along side my 8 year-old Shivangi). Rani was not too keen on the 'running' bit, and was content to stay with a friend and watch us from the sidelines instead. By the time I gave R a kiss and asked her "Are you sure!!?" and watched her nod, then turned around to face S I discovered she was already twenty feet away, and running off along the course!

On the run!

I caught up with her and we settled into a rhythm for about a hundred metres, when she started shouting at me, "STOP, Mummy, STOP, STOP...." I immediately stopped, and she said "don't run, we will walk now"... It would have been disastrous to argue or coax her, so I smiled at her and we took off at a trot, taking in the footballers practising in the field to the right and kept going...! 4 little girls and their families were also running along, as was a toddler perched on her Daddy's shoulders! Eventually, we made it to the last Kilo-meter, and the jolly L & D volunteers cheered S. She started running again, to my utter disbelief! We ran/walked and chatted together, me trying to keep her from pushing herself too far- I know that once that happens, a screaming rage and tears are just around the corner... S coped well, in all, but did not want me to run with her, for some reason, so I trotted behind her!
As soon as she was within sight of the finish line, she ran off again, and beamed and smiled a 100 Watt smile which made me feel elated!

Home again!

The medal and goody bag she got only served to make her more joyous, and she hugged her little sis Rani delightedly. Posing for pics, she made my heart swell with joy and love, and it was a terrific fundraiser for the NICU where she had spent the first 5 days of her life...! ( more about that here)

Posing with sis!

One fine day...

This month, I began to do my first early shifts in over four years (Early Shifts start at 0700 and finish at 1515) and they went well...  I do not know if it was the summery haze, gentle breeze or the bright sunshine, but it definitely helped lift my mood as I cycled home in the afternoon.. There was the prospect of  a nice lunch n dinner for B (my husband), and a walk in the park with my two daughters featuring on my 'yet to-do' list. Returning home, I found the kids upstairs with B, enjoying a 'scary' movie. On the kitchen table, Rani, my youngest,  had left a couple of pictures she drew that morning, one for her Dad,  (image below) who she adores and obeys without question.

R's drawing for her Daddy dearest!

B has a way with them, which I try to observe, now that we have more time together as a foursome. Earlier, he would return from work exhausted, and find the kids in bed already. He would have to restrict his cuddles and loving kisses so as to not wake them up (S is a really light sleeper; R is so much better) But now that he's temporarily off work and in-between jobs, he is finally getting to spend a lot more time with the girls. B's love for them manifests in the way he looks after them, looks AT them and understands and disciplines them. (Case in point- as he cleans up/hoovers/organizes things around our home he has an army of 2 'foot-soldiers'  dusting, cleaning or helping him in his DIY activities etc.)
Now, he even has them wiping down their table after a kiddie meal/treat, much to my amazement!! As I cycled to TESCO to buy some Lunch and picnic treats (for later in the week), I thought about whether the kids really cared about 'going out and doing things' as a family, or, like B himself, they are simply content to play and stay at home?? Was it me who needed to get out, and if so, shouldn't I just go ride my bike for as long as I was tired, rather than persuade all my family to get up and get going when they'd rather not? The difficulty of the decision lies in the varying attitudes of my kids. S, like B is content to do whatever it is he's doing. If he lays down on the bed, munching crisps and watching an old film, she will be more than happy to. R, on the other hand, has inherited my restless spirit... She likes to go out to the park, meet her girlfriends for a few hours (where they hug each other gleefully as if they haven't seen each other in years while us Mums make small talk.)
I cooked, cleared the battle-zone a.k.a kitchen and summoned the girls to dinner. After dinner, I got the kids ready to go to the park. Easy enough, when it comes to R, who is compliant and 'understands' when I say, " Baby, you'll need a sun-hat and can I comb your hair ( more like a 'hornet's nest')  please??!" She sits patiently as I attempt to tame her hip-length tresses using tangle-free (which, incidentally was a great discovery, as it helps overcome the morning school-rush-time tantrums by S), a wide-toothed comb and bands...
S, on the other hand, my delightfully notorious, challenge of a daughter, predictably enough, screamed at the sight of the comb. Okay, I told myself, I can do this! I tried to reason, cajole and persuade her- following it up by an ultimatum "we're NOT going until you let me sort out your hair, dear" and "Please let me, at least, comb it out and give you a hair-band". WRONG MOVE, Ruchita, I told myself... Still, nothing worked. She dug her heels in, and I planted my feet firmly. Face-Off. big time, if you ask me. Inwardly, I was not sure she would comply, outwardly, I put on a brave face- my 'I-know-how-you-feel-but-this-is-non negotiable' face. Minutes ticked by....then she, defiantly, took her wheelie-scooter thing outside the door, and I followed her out and said "we're not going if you don't help me". some of you may be thinking, 'why all the fuss, let her go as she is' but it's not that easy to watch my beautiful, energetic autistic daughter get more than her share of 'looks' from others in the park- (kids, parents etc) simply because she looked like she'd been dragged through the hedge. Backwards.
The last straw came when she lashed out at me, verbally, shouting at me and using the f-word. I told her to go inside and wait for me to get back. I made it clear to her that she was to go "inside and stay with Daddy", who I rang up, half-a-minute later, appraising him of the new situation. He said he was fine, and did talk to her and asked her what she had done wrong? She told him she'd said the 'F' word to me.... They talked about it, and she promised him she would not do that again. After an hour and a half in the park, Rani and I came back home. S had, I hope, learned her lesson. R had a good time. I was totally miserable....  but then, that's life!