Whenever I despair about my child's behaviour or worry about her 'reason' for behaving as she sometimes does, I feel totally lost for answers.... Her Special Needs are like a vein, thin but impermeable. They sometimes keep me from understanding a lot of what goes on in that mind and heart of hers, so I feel inadequate as a mother. Some days are good; she will give me an angelic smile, maybe even a hug if I'm lucky, and say, "I love you, Mummy". On others, for a seemingly inexplicable reason, she will shout, scream and push me away if I try to pacify her when she gets herself worked-up, which is about ten times a day.
It starts from the time I try to wake her up and ends (if we're lucky) when she finally falls asleep at night. She will sometimes wake up two or three times a night, and is restless and fidgety even in her sleep. She may be asleep or awake when I quietly make my way to her room in the morning, but I'm mostly scared of her shouting out "NOOO"... " I DON'T want to wake up!!" or simply shouting because it's me she sees rather than her Dad. On lucky-break days, the preliminaries (such as brushing her teeth, breakfast etc) dealt with, I offer to help her dress when she screams with frustration. It could be her T-shirt sleeves she's struggling with, or the state of her hitherto shoulder-length hair) She sometimes shouts and screams angrily, on the brink of a meltdown (pushing me dangerously close to one myself) at being asked to swap her shoes over when they are on the wrong feet.
She hates being told to do anything and only takes directions from her Daddy dearest, who is by then, on his way to work. Sometimes, as we go through the motions of our daily power-struggle, the School Bus arrives and R runs to open the door, which makes S become even more agitated at realising (or being told) she is keeping someone waiting. I reach out to iron her jumper or comb her hair and get a high-pitched screech that makes me cringe. I have asked many professionals, friends, parents of other girls with SN, what could be making her upset- The dreaded, horrid question resurfaces unbidden, "Is it ME!!??" ...."Am I doing something wrong that is setting her 'off' like this!??"
All I know is it is painful and heartbreaking to live through it everyday...Especially because I am the only parent/adult/person she is so volatile towards. Sometimes she gives me an unexpected, crushing hug and I meld into her arms, mentally thanking God for His infinite love an kindness and at times, she will push me away as if I am invading her very being... I was greatly helped by a friend and her two hour experience of my interaction with my daughter, and her suggestion was spot-on. I googled- oppositional defiance disorder and was shocked by how incredible it was that none of the so-called professionals had ever seen what a mother of another child with struggles and trials, worries and anxieties somewhat similar to my own could see.
Asking he if she wants something which I suspect she does (food, clean socks, lump of cheese, juice, water, etc) brings about a 'hmmm' response, or if prompted into politeness, a "yes please, mummy" but it depends on her mood. She will challenge or shout, ignore of simply defy all my directions, instructions, 'routine charts' and timer-monitored tasks. Things will roll smoothly at School where, I am told, she is sometimes defiant but easy to manage with 'tokens' and stickers, praise and encouragement. While I offer her lots of verbal praise and make it a point to tell her Daddy dearest about her good behaviour, (conveniently forgetting the bad!), use sticker charts and prize tokens etc, her approach to me is one of nonchalance and ill-disguised indifference. The only emotion she displays is if I crack up and run away upstairs, and burst into tears, and she laughs her head off at the sight. Her little sister scolds her, saying" Shame on you, S, you've made poor mummy so sad, can't you see she's crying because she loves you??!".
I have learned to control my own feelings; they serve no purpose and are merely wasted on my child who is often unable to vocalize her own. I refrain from talking in anything but the simplest of sentences. I give only the briefest of instructions. I have to constantly remind myself that a word count of over five per sentence is a NO NO. The best times are when I keep my wits and hang on to my patience and optimism. I tap into my reserves of faith and Hope in His love for us all....I do not pray in the conventional Hindu sense, but my bond with Him is as strong, if not stronger, than my bond with my own children.
It starts from the time I try to wake her up and ends (if we're lucky) when she finally falls asleep at night. She will sometimes wake up two or three times a night, and is restless and fidgety even in her sleep. She may be asleep or awake when I quietly make my way to her room in the morning, but I'm mostly scared of her shouting out "NOOO"... " I DON'T want to wake up!!" or simply shouting because it's me she sees rather than her Dad. On lucky-break days, the preliminaries (such as brushing her teeth, breakfast etc) dealt with, I offer to help her dress when she screams with frustration. It could be her T-shirt sleeves she's struggling with, or the state of her hitherto shoulder-length hair) She sometimes shouts and screams angrily, on the brink of a meltdown (pushing me dangerously close to one myself) at being asked to swap her shoes over when they are on the wrong feet.
She hates being told to do anything and only takes directions from her Daddy dearest, who is by then, on his way to work. Sometimes, as we go through the motions of our daily power-struggle, the School Bus arrives and R runs to open the door, which makes S become even more agitated at realising (or being told) she is keeping someone waiting. I reach out to iron her jumper or comb her hair and get a high-pitched screech that makes me cringe. I have asked many professionals, friends, parents of other girls with SN, what could be making her upset- The dreaded, horrid question resurfaces unbidden, "Is it ME!!??" ...."Am I doing something wrong that is setting her 'off' like this!??"
All I know is it is painful and heartbreaking to live through it everyday...Especially because I am the only parent/adult/person she is so volatile towards. Sometimes she gives me an unexpected, crushing hug and I meld into her arms, mentally thanking God for His infinite love an kindness and at times, she will push me away as if I am invading her very being... I was greatly helped by a friend and her two hour experience of my interaction with my daughter, and her suggestion was spot-on. I googled- oppositional defiance disorder and was shocked by how incredible it was that none of the so-called professionals had ever seen what a mother of another child with struggles and trials, worries and anxieties somewhat similar to my own could see.
Asking he if she wants something which I suspect she does (food, clean socks, lump of cheese, juice, water, etc) brings about a 'hmmm' response, or if prompted into politeness, a "yes please, mummy" but it depends on her mood. She will challenge or shout, ignore of simply defy all my directions, instructions, 'routine charts' and timer-monitored tasks. Things will roll smoothly at School where, I am told, she is sometimes defiant but easy to manage with 'tokens' and stickers, praise and encouragement. While I offer her lots of verbal praise and make it a point to tell her Daddy dearest about her good behaviour, (conveniently forgetting the bad!), use sticker charts and prize tokens etc, her approach to me is one of nonchalance and ill-disguised indifference. The only emotion she displays is if I crack up and run away upstairs, and burst into tears, and she laughs her head off at the sight. Her little sister scolds her, saying" Shame on you, S, you've made poor mummy so sad, can't you see she's crying because she loves you??!".
I have learned to control my own feelings; they serve no purpose and are merely wasted on my child who is often unable to vocalize her own. I refrain from talking in anything but the simplest of sentences. I give only the briefest of instructions. I have to constantly remind myself that a word count of over five per sentence is a NO NO. The best times are when I keep my wits and hang on to my patience and optimism. I tap into my reserves of faith and Hope in His love for us all....I do not pray in the conventional Hindu sense, but my bond with Him is as strong, if not stronger, than my bond with my own children.
